By Phillip Ghee
Big Fishing is a fiery tale of exaggerated proportions. It should not be read while under the influence of alcohol
The character Qfwfq is dedicated to Italo Calvino a genius of the highest magnitude and one of my literary heroes.
Any resemblance of any other character to personages living or dead, should be highly suspected and perused in court.
“I just don’t now about these boys, Cap’n” Old Qfwfq mused as he stroked his wispy silver gray beard, some of the finely thin strands reaching almost his protruding collarbone. The Captain, engrossed as usual in his one of fishing videos, merely nodded approval, without turning around without missing a single line of digital feed from his newly purchased Extreme Definition, Super Duper, Stadium-Surround-Sound © ,Smell-O-Vision, DVD Player and portable toaster oven.
“Times have changed an awful lot.” Qfwfq continued, not sure if he had an audience or not. “Now before I came down with all this Rheumatism and Whooping cough and, before the Cap’n went off and got married”
“You don’t have Whooping cough”, Jameson snapped.” Whooping Cough is an actual disease and not an adjective, Qfwfq”.
Jameson, feeling quite validated in his retort, adjusted his tie and turned back around to view Interior Cam-C. He lightly scratched his perpetually present five o’clock shadow worth growth of beard. Just that moment he caught sight of a disruption in the fluctuation of wave patterns displayed on the Electro-Static Distortion Meter. That particular apparatus was perched on top, of a jury-rigged, non-departmental issued, Tracking Spy-Cam. It was the Spy-Cam a curious Station-Watch Commander Jameson turned to next, for more intensive review.
“Well, when I coughs, I whoops and I when I whoop, I whoops it up for a damn long time; so if that’s not Whooping cough, then I don’t know what is?” Shot back Qfwfq with a slight hint of attitude peppering his voice. “Anyway as I was saying, we, the Cap’n and I really knew how to live life to the fullest those days, not like you college boys.” Qfwfq obviously thrown off track by the correction to his medical condition, he took a moment to refill his pipe. After composing himself and stuffing his pipe, he managed to pick up a few vagrant shreds of tobacco along with any hope of remaining credibility. Qfwfq continued:” Looks like all you boys are concerned with is what IRA plan will eventually net you the best pair of false teeth down the line. Qfwfq had regained his confidence.
“Now there was a time when, once the young ladies had exited the Beauty, Botox and Hair Salons, they were given flyers with the mine and the Captain’s pictures on it. The leaflets advised the girls that they were all prettied up and such, they ought to beware of smooth talking, fancy dressers such as, the Captain and I.
“Kodai! I think we just may have a Burner wandering around on level C.” Warned an elated Jameson. The distortion field off the charts in registering unauthorized frequencies. The X-ray scope function on the Spy-Cam confirmed some sort of unauthorized electronic devices in the lower regions (of the person and not of the mall).
Nowadays with all the electronic gadgets that people wear, keep in their pockets, surrounded by and/or skinjacked to; electro-fires and the likes were almost an everyday occurrence. Due to our natural internal electrical activity interacting haphazardly with external forces, even a few cases of spontaneous combustion had been cited.
For liability purposes, The El Grande Shoppo Mall, like most mega-malls, has on-site, their own Mini-Fire and Emergency Rescue Station. Mini-stations usually have crews of five to ten fire fighters and various medical and technical personnel. Most days, they need only to respond to the usual, minor e-shocks, slips and falls an occasional heart attack
But a Burner, that was a nasty deal. Here is someone, that had illegally and internally downloaded operational software and up-linked it to a 3Þ hummer-bass woofer rod. And all this gear then shoved up his a-hole. All of this, for the mere pleasure of being able to rattle and shake his can like a 63 Chevy Impala low rider.
Now on his own and down in the barrio, homeboy, would’ve have faced nothing more discomforting than an occasional hemorrhoid or two, by having the aforementioned gizmos fitted him where the Lord splitted him. But accompanied by accessories shoved in and around butt, the stakes for injury had demonstrably increased. A fully loaded rattler may have been accessorized with the likes of the new sleek EdeKron 4 googlebyte hard drive and dual Czechoslovakian made: banned in the US, Flesh Permeating, Sound-Surround Speakers, and; who knows, what manner of chop-shop hydraulics and inflatable implants.
The crew had been lucky, not to have had run in with these loaded down youths since the fad had begun. Not much was publicly known about the youths caught up in the underground worlds of Rattleling and Can-Band. The word on the street was that the technology as well as the hydraulics had been amped considerably since the start of the fad. Back in the day, a member of the Rattler’s or the Can- Band’er’s crew would be assigned to carry a fire extinguisher along to a dance off. This precaution was meant to blow out an occasional flame or flare up that might have been caused in the event a dancer happened to produce a rather gaseous and ignitable fart doing his routine, be it planned or accidental. Any burns or afflictions incurred by the dancer back then was more or less superficial and even, sometimes touted about like a badge of honor by the daring performer.
But with all the rivalry now generated between the crews and due to the escalation of hydraulics and technology, emergency rooms have reported seeing more serious admissions. There is even a rumor going around that there is an underground video title’ Butts Gone Wild Fire’ circulating amongst the more extremist elements in certain hardcore groups.
“What happened to just shaking your booty, ala naturale? Now you got all this funk in da trunk nonsense.” The Captain mumbled, just barely audible, as he reached for the Smell-O- Nozzle of the DVD player. He wanted to get a good whiff of the trout that had just been hauled on board by the fishing party expedition featured the video.
“Maybe I should go and arrest him, for possession of illegal contraband?” Kodai said with an anticipatory smile. Even sitting Fire Officer Kodai stood taller than most men, his Russian accent enunciating each word with coldly precession. The Captain and Old Qfwfq had come to the conclusion that sitting on the wad of money, he always carried in his over-sized wallet added at least another two inches or so to his frame. He was second in command of the Mini substation. The Captain’s title was ceremonious, based on years in service rather than rank.
“No we can’t.” Interjected Jameson. “I can see it now, invasion of privacy, profiling, my Spy-Cam confiscated and no way! am I going up the butt to manually pull it out. Let just keep an eye on him for now, Kodai run a frequency spotter, he got to have at least 2 cells on him, we can probably shut them down without him knowing. That should cut down on some on some of the discharge static. Pull an equalizer ring field around him and, that should keep him from picking up passerbyer’s static.
Just then, Technoman 2nd Stat Tony Murphy slid on a dolly from under a utility rack, tools in hand, spooking both Jameson and Kodai. He had been under there for so long they forgotten he was there. Technoman 2nd Stat Tony Murphy was the youngest member of the group. He had earned the nickname ‘Two-shift’ because it appeared that he was always there, at work, at the mini-station. Legend has it that no one had ever seen him arrive to work and, for that matter, no one had ever seen him leave. It was even discussed amongst the other members of the team if maybe they should call him ‘Three-shift-Tony’.
“I heard once that some kid was ratteling in a dance-off. His pants, already half hanging off his butt, he decided to go for the Full Monty Moon as a closing move, when a horde of woodpeckers flew directly at’ em. Went straight for the tushee, one of them possibly penetrating.” Tony said enthusiastically, yet with all the seriousness and profession delivery of a News Reporter on assignment. The other members of the crew nodded but, more in sarcasm than agreement.
The Captain however took serious consideration to what had been said and muttered under his breath “Damn Woodpeckers ruined, My Water-King 350 Skip Jack”.
Meanwhile, Jamison had rebuffed Two-shift for spending too! much on the internet’s ‘Die Space’ site. “You know that most of the stuff they report is never substantiated by any other credible news source” Jameson counseled.
“Look it was a Woodpecker that stopped the launch of shuttle mission and the Russians say one had stowed-away and they caught it on the Space Station. The bible speaks of these times. That’s ‘Revelations’ for you. They said it’s…
Two-shift’s rebuttal was abruptly interrupted by the Captain, now irritated, partly due to the fond memories of his ruined craft the discussion had generated.
“So, are you guys going fishing with me next month or not?” The Captain barked, “I can’t hold reservations on that Rent a Boat forever you know”.
“What’s the weather gonna be like”? Quizzed Qfwfq “You know my bones reek with the rheumatism in all that cold…and wet weather”.
“I might have to go to a real estate seminar that week-end.” Confirmed Kodai, there’s a Shanty town, sitting on some valuable real estate down by the border, the government is going to bulldoze it soon and I want a piece that action just as soon as they do.”
“Not now, Captain” Rebuffed Jameson, “looks like our guy may be headed in the direction of Radio Hut and OK Buy, way too! much electromagnetic static down there, not to mention, the gadget goons going to shop in that area are probably top heavy with pocket-tops and cells. Not good, not good, Jameson reported, franticly trying to get density readout from the Static Sampler machine. “Prepare to Engage,” He announced.
Reluctant to completely surrender hold of the nozzle to the Smell-O-Vision, The Captain, using his free hand, adjusted the Fire-Stat Band to Condition: Preparatory Orange, thus allowing a noiseless drawer in the StaticGard cabinet to mechanically slide open revealing two silver briefcase size Electro-Trays.
“Qfwfq,” Summoned the Captain, “Do an equipment check-list count and go in the back and see if you can find or at least rig up some sort of a Proctorooter, in case we have to go in, better put on an Electro-Suit for precaution, report to Level C and be on stand-by.
“Damn E-suit”, Grunted Qfwfq, “That thing takes all day to put on and it’s hot as Hell”. Qfwfq continued to complain as he hobbled back to the equipment room. “I just hope I don’t get a coughing spell once am sealed up in that suffocating thing”.
“Oh! Not now!” Shrieked Jameson. Just as luck would have it, while taking a quick survey scan of the entire C-Level. Who should he see but Old Man Nancy patronizing the Food-Pharma Court. He quickly switched over to the Spy -Cam. Jameson reported to the crew that she was sitting at a table chowing down on what looked liked Prozac Stew and washing it down with a creamy Thorazine Strawberry Shake.
“Soooo”, that why she is always so calm.” Deduced Kodai.
Old Man Nancy was not some sort of Transvestite, Hermaphrodite, Trans-gender or Super Freak. Old Man Nancy was in fact not a man. Neither was Old Man Nancy old. The truth be told she was even younger than Two-shift Tony. Old Man Nancy was called that (never to her face, of course), for a couple or reasons. One, she was in charge of the whole South-West Quadrant which truly made her Da’Man. And in a case of sheer irony, Vice Commander Nancy Youngmei Wong was in fact so petite and so feminine that she was as far away as one could get from being a man without completely changing into another species. Many folks had doubts about such a seemingly gentle and feminine being even working at fire-station yet alone, being a Regional Commander. Even members within her family thought it was all just a hoax. They concluded her she had been cleverly crafted by the Public Relations department and charged with the mission to increase female enrollment to the Fire Department.
“Damn, damn, damn”. Exclaimed Jameson. “I hope she is just down there enjoying herself and not her for a surprise inspection”.
“Well she is not wearing a uniform.”Kodai confirmed as he hunched over to view the display.
“In civilian clothes.” Perked in”, Two-shift “Is she hot? Let me have a look at her”
Meanwhile Jameson had gone back to monitoring the Burner on the Interior Cam, or shall we say at this point, the potential Burner. In the second of time that it took Kodai to turn the Spy-cam monitor in the direction of Two-shift, she was gone from view and a disappointed Tony failed to get a look-see. “How does she do that”? Marveled Kodai.
“Hey who left the door open?” Barked Jameson, aware of changes in the quality of air. “We’re letting all the pura-Air out, you guys want to breath conventional or what? He went back to monitoring. “We are in luck guys, looks like our boy is actually headed towards the Food-Pharma Court, let’s see, he is looking around. Bingo! I think he’s going to have something to eat.
“That aught to by us some time to come up with a plan” concurred. Kodai.
From the back room the team could hear Qfwfq chatting. “Who the Hell is Old Qfwfq talking to” Puzzled the Captain”. I never-ever… seen him as much talk on a cell phone.
“People are starting to crack, nowadays; the institutions are filling up at record numbers.” Warned an easily sensationalized Two-shift, “It’s all the waves of information and disinformation osmosising through the atmosphere, vexating and tribulation, interfering with and disrupting our own natural neurotransmitters, it’s a chaotic thing, I tell ya”.
“Qfwfq”! Who the Hell are you talking to?” The Captain blasted out, not wishing to descend any further into what he was sure to become another one of Two-shift’s dissertations on Chaos and the breakdown of the Human Species and, the second coming of the Mayans and, on and on and,… on.
“Old Man, I mean.. Ahw! Man, Commander Nancy is back here helping me rig up this damn E-suit” the disembodied voice of Qfwfq echoed from some place far in the back.
Moment later, clumsily out walked Old Qfwfq looking like a cross between the mummy and one of the astronauts from Space Boy, the popular anime character of the day. He was followed by Commander Wong now suddenly arrayed in a sleekly clad, crisp, midnight black uniform. The crew was dumbfounded. “Damn. That’s why, at the other station houses, they call her The Ninja.” Marveled the Captain, in an amazed whisper.
“Why is Fireman Qfwfq, the only one suiting up?” inquired Commander Nancy. “And exactly what is he suited up for? I don’t hear any sirens, see any lights a flashing” She puffed.
Whatever brand of anti- perspiration gel Station Watch Commander Jameson had put on that morning, now buckled like a Louisiana levee, under the penetrating stare of the Commander Wong. A multitude of little rivers of sweat broke free, instantly streaking his finely pressed Oxford shirt.
Kodai intervened by offering up the first explanation, citing that he was in the process of calibrating an Equalizer ring to be spun around a potential Electrocidal shopper. However, when the Commander ventured over to the monitor all she saw was Flat Rings, impotent, resting on the bottom of the visual display field. Now caught in the first spun fibers of an early web of deceit, Kodai advanced entanglement by attempted to explain why the Flat Rings were off-line and, how he was going to reconfigured the command codes and rectify the problem. At this juncture, out of Commander’s Wong’s view, without saying a word, by just pantomiming a few gestures, effectively using his hands and tools, to get the point across, Two-shift Tony was able to convey that trouble with the E-ring Emitter was the reason he had been under the utility rack in the first place. After the extraordinary performance of mime, Kodai’s explanation trailed off to a whisper of high-tech jibber jabber.
While her attention was still focused on, the now barely audible, Kodai, The Captain had carefully managed to discreetly turn off the fishing video and now stood in front of a defuser circuit board. He was in the process of strapping on a Corinthian leather gun belt, with two customized, Mother of Pearl in-lay and silver handle, AED- difibber-guns as if, it had been his intention all along.
Jameson, now looked more like a man who had just ejected from a crowded subway car with a broken air conditioner on a hot August day, than he did as Station Watch Commander in a plush, state of the art, Pura-air cooled Techno-Control Room. Thinking fast, Jameson raced towards the Commander with an Operation and Procedure Book in hand. “Commander Wong” Jameson nervously approached,” We got a situation here that is too recent in scope, to be properly addressed in the manual. And I was being innovated, trying…trying to act in advance of…
Finally, Two-shift saved the day by blurting out “Commander Wong, do you know what a Burner is?”
The other mega- malls under Commander Wong’s jurisdiction were in such affluent areas and, with this rattleling craze being relatively a new phenomena confined to the hoods, barrios and inner-cities; she had no clue as to what a Burner was.
Although having saved the crew much embarrassment and possible demerits and demotions, Jameson, sensing that Two-shift may not be prone to exercising the greatest diplomacy in explaining the virtues of rattleling to a lady, even if she was a Area Commander, reasserted his charge and went on to give Commander Wong a more technical if not censored version, of the definition of a Burner. He then, very delicately, proceeded to explain how he had ascertained that presently a certain mall attending youth may in fact be a Burner.
“Is our boy ordering yet?” Changing gears, Jameson queried.
“Look like he’s is getting the number 12 at the Wimpy Burger. ” Acknowledged Kodai getting a closer, more detailed look on the Spy-Cam.
“Great!” Interjected Two-shift, that’s the Real American Burger Special, that aught to hold him for awhile, Two, quarter pound burgers, one beef, one pork, smothered in three cheeses of your choosing, toped with mayonnaise, guacamole, special sauce, additional three bacon strips on the beef burger, and your choice of complimentary toppings, a large order of sugar fried fries and a minibucket of a refreshing beverage. Man talk about good eating, I had a number 12 for breakfast this morning.
“Well then, what are we going to do, since according to Mr. Jameson, we don’t even supposed to know that he has all this hardware and software on him, I mean in him, unless we had somehow already illegally scanned him thus invading his civil right to privacy, which, by the way, We Did!” Pronounced Commander Wong.
The Captain had seen and heard many things during his many years at the department and in service out in the field but this was the first time ever, he had ever to witness a single drop of sweat lift-off from a persons body and land to the floor with an audible’ plop!’ Jameson looked, at that moment, as if he would be in more in need the of the crew’s services than the suspected, alleged, profiled and potential Burner.
“Let’s just go grab the guy, diffuse the hardware and send him home limping”, voiced Kodai,” let the courts decide whether or not we violated his rights, in the process of possibly saving his life, or at least, his butt”
“Yavol Herr Kommandant”, mocked Old Qfwfq his voice muffled and at times muted from being held hostage under the canary yellow colored, hood mask with dimmer blue face shield. “We gots no rights as to what’s up that boy’s behind, If he’s fool enough to stuff it up there, then he’s fool enough to deal with the consequences but, I don’t think we can just go all up in there and trash it or, without a warrant, remove the boy’s equipment”.
“I would like to give a shout out to the youth”, beamed in Two-Shift. “I mean like sooner or latter we’re all gonna be skinjacked to this port here, getting our, whatever on there. Eventually we all will be skinjacked to some other port just because it required by the law or because the Government says it’s good for us. So the young folks are just upping the ante, improvising, staying ahead of the game. By becoming the source rather than be sourced or being forced to seek out the source, they…
“Wait a minute guys”, advised Jameson, whatever we do, let’s make sure we get this guy into an isolated area. The last thing we need right now is someone…
“Spying on us?” Chirped Commander Nancy sarcastically.
“How do you catch fish?” The Captain broke in; he had been silent and not engaged in the discussion up to this point. He touched the brim of his, non –issued, yachting captain’s cap with a two finger salute, indicating experience.
“By using good bait” Old Qfwfq spouted off, eager to be the first one in with a response. The Captain wisely nodded and confirmed Qfwfq’s correct answer. Qfwfq, concealed behind the opaque mask, unable to properly beam for the benefit of his fellow crew members, simply settled for ceremoniously adjusting his, no need to be adjusted E-suit, for effect.
“And what do we use for good bait?” Intoned Commander Wong, growing a bit unnerved by what she perceived were suggestive glances in her direction. The Captain took a pause and then advanced himself to the center of the group.” May I be so bold as to elaborate?” The Captain began. “No disrespect for gender or rank, Commander Wong, but since the beginning of time, for the male, the best lure of attraction has always been the charisma of a well attended to female”.
“So, you’re suggesting that I just waltz up to him and ask him to follow me to some secluded corner?” Commander Nancy asked, masking a certain degree of offense.
“No that would be crude and insulting to you, even if it did work.” The Captain assured.
“We’re talking something more refined here, something much more cultured. Don’t just assume a man is to be given in to the allures of a woman simply because she is woman?”
“Might work on him though.” Two-shift postulated in the foreground.
“Good once we get him cornered, I’ll tackle him to the ground.” Chimed Kodai.
“No, no, no.” The Captain continued, trying to get the focus back to his sermon.” What attracts a man to a woman is her sense of elegance, refinement, a mysteriously concealed sensuality…” The Captain…
“Sophistication, maturity and a nice do.” Old Qfwfq raced in, at 186.000 miles a second.
The Captain went on to explain how with the right amount or attitude and demeanor with just a hint of provocation, how she could get him to do whatever she wished without being crude, lewd or cheapish. “I suggest that you bestow upon this misdirected youth…”
“Well! Whatever she is going to bestow, she better start bestowing quick.” Interjected Two-shift bursting the melodramatic bubble.” Our boy has lain to rest the pork burger and has a firm hold on the beef. And by the way Captain, this ain’t da club.”
“Let’s get to then.” Asserted the Captain, no time to change into your civvies but could you sex up the uniform just a bit.” Reluctantly, Vice Commander, Nancy Youngmei Wong, compiled. It was decided that Commander Wong should attempt to persuade the B-boy to accompany her to Level G. Level G would have the least amount of vehicles parked on lot in the parking structure. The shops on Level G were mostly Book stores, Vintage Record shops, a Wild Bran Market and gym that catered to children. That level had very sparse foot traffic and the lot was always half deserted.
“The bun is OK by my standards but you might want to lose it for the youth.” Pitched in a faceless Qfwfq. Commander Wong sneered and set off about her mission.
Foreseeing that whatever action they decided to take may one day be added to the Fire Departments Operation and Procedures Manual, Fire Officer Jameson took the precaution of hauling a tripod and digiCam up to Level G. He also had the presence of mind and ambition to change into another crispy pressed oxford shirt and tie for the occasion. The other crew members had brought and were in the process of assembling and laying out all the equipment and materials they thought they may possibly have to use. Along with the standard emergency medical and fire equipment, Fire Officer Kodai decided to bring a stun gun, truncheon and Tq4 professional police baton just in case, as he hoped, thing got out of hand. Qfwfq, now having the outdoors to contend with, complained bitterly about the humidity factor he was now imagined himself to be experiencing inside the E-suit. Nevertheless he professionally went about laying out the equipment from the EletroTray in neat orderly columns. Now wishing to be outgunned by the Captain, he had also strapped on his own customized defibber gun, awkwardly, to the bulky E-suit. From outward appearance his guns looked liked standard issue but Qfwfq had fashioned a smiley face on their surface plates that would indelibly be stenciled on the chest of a deserving recipient. Technoman Murphy had gotten all his tools and gadgets set up fairly quickly and being a card carrying member of the ADD generation had already grown bored with the wait and was deeply engaged in video games and virtual simulations his PS28.
“Hey! Pondered Old Qfwfq, no friend to technology, himself. “Can you program into that thing, a virtual simulation as to how an Eletro-fire in the butt could come about and what the results would look like? Man oh! man, talk about your fire in the hole.” Old Qfwfq grimaced.
Two-shift Tony received the request with a great amount of consideration, then evaluation and followed by (due to the earlier ingested #12) flatulence-ation. Two-shift deem that it just might be possible and set straight forth to achieving such.
We’ll never know what charms Commander Nancy used to get the B-boy to walk her up to Level G but their effects delivered the goods. Not even the fact that she was in uniform, albeit a now sexed up uniform, could dissuade the youth from escorting her. He had even planned to treat her to a little demonstration of his musical man-humps. Sadly for him, these plans came to an abrupt end once he stepped out of the stairwell on Level G. Terror griped the lad as he saw rushing towards him, flashing badges, like two G-men from a badly produced Roaring 20’s serial; Fire Officer Jameson and Goliath-like Officer Kodai. Panicking, the youth made a run for it, his low swung trousers, impeding a quality chase. Taking a blind corner around a parking attendant’s shed, the youth collided, full force into Old Qfwfq, sending Qfwfq, much like his Diver Dan forbearer look- a – like, over the side of the guardrail and into the great abyss.
The youth, knocked out cold, had somehow triggered his play operational function to GO before his lights went out. A horrified Commander Wong, unsure as to what she could do in face of such a bizarre spectacle, looked on, frozen in her tracks.
Jameson and Kodai rushed to the aid of Fireman Qfwfq who was now suspended over seven stories by the utility belt being used to harness his diffiber guns. In the fall, the belt had become caught on a mooring post on the rail. Nevertheless, doom was still being debated by threads of government issued cloth which at that point were stretched to the breaking point; Old Qfwfq took the liberty to notify Elizabeth of his soon to be arrival into the hereafter. The fact that there was no one in Qfwfq’s life named Elizabeth was mote at that point and Qfwfq didn’t feel the need to challenge his rational mind over the issue. However Qfwfq rescue was only seconds away.
Two-shift took careful note how the sight of seeing Jameson and Kodai haul Fireman Qfwfq back from over the rail an unto the parking lot surface, looked remarkable similar to the segment had had seen earlier on the Captain’s fishing video of the fishing party hauling the caught trout on board the boat. He made an entry into his PS28.This bared further examination at a later time.
The Captain was the last to arrive on the scene; he had been in the porta-toily, taking care of nature’s business unaware of the happenings going about outside. What he saw caused him to shout out in disgust and point a condemning finger.
“That’s an abomination.” He watched the seemingly lifeless body of Francisco Javier Lopez, propelled by his technological enhanced hindquarters, rhythmically bounce up and down and to and fro, on the El Grande Shoppo Mall tarmac, to the tune of MC Hammer’s ‘Can’t Touch This,’ like a Mexican Jumping Bean two days away from its birthday.
Thank God for both the Captain’s and Commander’s Nancy sake, the tune was in its last chorus and no song had been cued up for next play. The song now played out and emotions abated, the crew set about their next course of action, all for except Qfwfq. He still lay on the tarmac, exactly where they had pulled over to and, taking full advantage of his reclined position, decided to get him in a happy nap. He had just been through a traumatic event and thought the rest would do him good. And anyway, he wanted no parts of what he still believed to be an invasion of the youth’s civil liberties.
The youth exhibited a brief amount of dazed consciousness. Commander Nancy, gently by his side, tried to offer reassuring words just before slamming him up with full dose of Dormazine.
Jameson let go a resounding snap of the cuff of an examination glove he had just donned. He carefully surveyed the array of surgical tools that lay before him. Jameson summarized that the collision of the youth with Qfwfq had actually been in their favor. They could report that they just wanted to question the youth on an unrelated matter. Some of their equipment was missing from the impromptu training demonstration they had decided to conduct. They would assert that they thought the rebellious attire youth may have been involved. They could further imply that in the aftermath of the pursuit and collision that the boy’s equipment started to dangerously malfunction thus directing the crew to investigate the conditions surrounding his behind. Seeing the imminent danger, we had no choice but to go in and remove the equipment, the Station Watch Commander concluded. Commander Nancy simply sneered at Jameson and commented on his propensity to lie quickly on his feet.
Kodai revved up the whirling proctorooter that Qfwfq had managed to rig up from various parts of other equipment. The dental drill whirl of the device caused Qfwfq to abandon his happy nap. Kodai proceeded to order the Captain to get the KY jelly and prepare for entry. An empathetic Commander Wong asked if the procedure would cause the youth much pain. Commander Nancy was unaware that she was absentmindedly rubbing his Francisco’s back with tender care as she look expectantly, back and forth, toward one officer to another, searching for some reassuring answer. She found none.
The Captain respectfully saluted then began to draw down the boys oversized boxers shorts. Commander Nancy, put her hand to her mouth and turned away. Staff Officer Kodai revved up the proctorooter one more time, sending it through it various gears, like a Harley-Davidson in heat.
“My God,” gasped Old Qfwfq from his sedentary post. He now felt a surge of guilt from having rigged up the apparatus.” Do we really have to go up the kid’s butt with that thing?”
“It’s either that or possibly this” piped up Technoman 2nd Stat Murphy. Two-shift had just at that moment received the benefits of his labors. The information and various codes he had loaded into his PS28 finally posted. He could now run a simulation of an electric butt fire due to either malfunctioning components or shoddy workmanship. The crew temporarily abandoned their roles to view the rather life-like graphics displayed on Tony’s PS28. Jameson complimented Two-shift on the quality of the program and suggested he upload it to the Digicam for further evidence on the hazardousness of the dangerous new fad.
“Hey! Yelled Qfwfq,” He was now quite comfortable speaking from a prone position. He had also concluded that the E-suit wasn’t really that bad so long as you didn’t have to walk or work in it. Its heavily padded insulation panels offered it nest like quality. It made, for Qfwfq, a rather nice sleeping bag.
“Why don’t we just bring the boy out of nacreous, show him the program? Commander Nancy could take the boy off somewhere privately and personally explain to him the dangers of such lifestyle, coprenhde?
“Now bring that contraption over here so I can have a look. Also I am on break now; I’ll be out here awhile” Qfwfq spoke in conclusion.
Many years later, as Tony Murphy leaned over port side of the Captain’s new River Queen Deluxe, Twin Board with the optional, anti-Woodpecker undercoat, he reminisced.
“Cap’n who would have thought it?”
The Captain, already sensing where Tony was headed. Shook his head, “Not me”.
“Doctor Francisco Javier Lopez, Designer and President of a fortune 500 company, designing sound systems used to restore hearing capacities to the deaf and hearing impaired.”
“That freeloading Jameson and Kodai got rich just by buying up all that stock in his company.”
“And how about that Mrs. Lopez”
“I wonder if she can still fit her old uniform”
“You ever hear from Old Qfwfq?”
“No, he kind of disappeared, years ago, last I heard he we headed somewhere up North, into the wilderness.”
“Not the hiking suit that doubles as a suspend able sleeping bag idea?”
“Cap’n, who in their right mind would want to hang from a tree in an over-puffed suit?”
“At least he’ll have one customer.”
“Hey! Remember the stupid jingle he concocted as sales promotion?”
In unison they both belted out:
“To the Bears 1.2.3. CAN’T TOUCH THIS!”
“Hey I think I got a bite”.